What is the importance of Dialectical Behavior Therapy?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) uses DEARMAN skills to help people communicate facts objectively, non-judgmentally, respectfully and emphatically.
DBT skills can be applied in personal relationships and professional development to help build connections.
This therapeutic practice helps people address concerns authentically, ask for what they want unemotionally, and acknowledge other people’s points of view regardless of whether or not you agree.
DBT teaches tools to make a rigid mindset into a more flexible one. It helps reframe thinking, build confidence in communication, and regulate emotions.
What does the acronym DEAR MAN stand for in Dialectical Behavior Therapy?
Describe
Describe the problem using only facts. Communicate the issue in simple terms, without judgment and devoid of any requests.
Example: “I messaged you a few times this week and have not heard back. I would love to talk to you about this.”
When you stick closely to the facts without exaggerating or embellishing, you gain the respect of others and you protect your own values of authenticity.
Express
Express your feelings about your concern using “I” statements in order to avoid implication of any blame.
For example, “I would love to stay connected with you more often. I look forward to spending time with you.” instead of “Why didn’t you return my calls? You upset me when you don’t make time for me.”
Blame and judgment will only create defensiveness and may lead to an argument or result in the person shutting down the conversation altogether.
It is important to open the conversation in a positive and judgement-free style in order to diffuse potential conflict. In this manner, the person you are speaking to will be more comfortable shedding some light about their situation without feeling judged.
Assert
In a concise and clear way, articulate what it is you want to happen. Ask yourself, what is my goal in this conversation?
Example: With eye contact, a polite tone and an engaging smile say, “Excuse me, I would like for you to stop kicking my chair. Thank you.”
Reinforce
Indicate to the other person how your request benefits them. You are giving them something if they grant your request. It may be a treat, a positive review, or a favor. But it could also be the non-tangibles like gratitude, appreciation or friendship.
Example: Thank you for letting me know that you are going to be late to the meeting. I appreciate you communicating that to me.
Mindful
Be attentive to having a warm and welcoming posture when approaching the other person. Keep your tone of voice and facial expression calm and friendly.
It is equally important to maintain awareness of the other person’s posture, tone, and facial expressions to help you course correct if the conversation becomes tense.
Listen. Do not interrupt. Refrain from judgment. Let the other person feel heard. Mirror back what you heard.
Mindfulness is a critical part of effective communication. By allowing yourself to be in the moment and let go of all current distractions, you can learn how to be present in your connection to others.
Appear Confident
Convey a sense of confidence through direct eye contact, slow and clear articulation of speech,
affirmative nods when listening to others, relaxed and engaged posture (neutral spine, leaning in, open body language, a genuine smile).
Negotiate
Ask yourself what are you willing to give up? What are you not willing to give up?
Set boundaries to protect what is important to you. Concurrently, be compassionate to and flexible about what is important to the other person. Be fair and courteous about your requests.
Offer creative solutions to allow both parties to find common ground and be ready to move forward with a compromise.
What is assertion training?
Assertion training helps you to communicate effectively and respectfully. It strikes a balance between being overly aggressive and being too passive.
Assertion training assists you in using your words in a non aggressive style that is brief but friendly. It teaches you how to approach potential conflict in a nonjudgmental, honest and friendly way.
Assertion training also teaches you how to say no when you want to set boundaries. It educates you to not over explain or apologize when you make requests. You have the right to ask for what you want. You have a right to have a different opinion. You do not need to compromise your own morals or beliefs just to avoid potential conflict.
What are some other DBT strategies to keep in mind when having potentially difficult conversations?
It is important to note that effective communication will become significantly more challenging if emotions become dysregulated. When someone is upset, angry, or frustrated, their ability to receive logical messages or to express themselves productively becomes compromised.
The escalation of emotions can lead to a very rapid breakdown of communication and can create turbulence in relationships.
Before any effective interaction can take place, it is necessary to diffuse conflict through empathy, friendliness, and authentic understanding.
The other party needs to feel heard and understood, whether you agree with them or not. By listening, not interrupting, mirroring back what they said, and using open and receptive body language, you are validating their feelings and setting the tone for a productive conversation.
To validate emotions, you can tell the other person that it makes sense that they would feel the way they do under the circumstances or given their personal point of reference. You can still validate someone even if you do not agree with them.
As long as you acknowledge the other person in a calm, approachable and polite way, you are fair in how you try to reach a compromise, and you stick closely to the facts, your communication will be effective.
A productive conversation does not mean you will reach an agreement or get what you want in the end. It means that you will keep the lines of communication open by creating a safe nonjudgmental space for future discussions.
Conclusion
If you struggle with asserting yourself or you feel you could benefit from building stronger connections through communication, reach out to Dr. Suzanne Feinstein at Advanced Behavioral Health. Dr. Feinstein is a Columbia University-trained Clinical Psychologist who specializes in evidence-based treatments such as DBT, assertion training, CBT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), mindfulness training and emotional regulation tools.