It is understandable that most of us do not want to cause disappointment. Rather we prefer that others feel happy and comfortable in our presence.
However, despite having good intentions, some people have significant anxiety about letting other people down. The fear of people not liking them is often a major factor behind this anxiety. This anxiety drives people to overly accommodate others and compromise their own wellbeing.
The people who suffer with a full blown fear of disappointing others might sacrifice their own wants or goals to prevent another person from feeling let down. They may engage in frequent sacrifices and/ or kind gestures which can ultimately lead to burn out and possible resentment if left unchecked.
The intense fear of disappointing others can be accompanied by high levels of anxiety and guilt if certain sacrifices are not made. The people pleasing tendencies hinder the person’s ability to be authentic in relationships since they are generally not asserting their own needs and wants. They take on other people’s feelings as their own, hide their true identity, and struggle with emotional boundaries.
Imposter syndrome is often a byproduct of this fear. Despite their competence, people often doubt their own abilities to perform and worry that people view them as weak, unintelligent or incapable. The fear of being unmasked as an imposter can trigger the fear of disappointing others.
How does FODO manifest in relationships and the workplace?
This fear ultimately puts undue strain on romantic relationships or friendships due to an imbalance in the relationship. The person they are trying to please may feel that they cannot match the efforts of the person with FODO, leading to a sense of inadequacy. The difference in the power dynamic can become unhealthy and both parties may start to feel lonely and uneasy.
Ironically, the people pleasers often tend to double down on their efforts, hoping that if they try harder, they can improve the dynamic. However, these acts of kindness, displays of compassion or fear based behaviors only add to further frustration on both sides.
In a professional environment, the person who has FODO can become overwhelmed easily by to-dos and perfectionism. They might show up early, stay late, sacrifice their free time, or take on extra responsibilities that add to their already mounting stress. They may have difficulty saying no or delegating tasks to others. Working in groups can be especially difficult since they might do most of the work themselves.
Although not always the case, overachievers may find themselves frequently disappointed. Since the majority of people do not meet the high standards they set for themselves, resentment may build. People pleasers can feel angry, taken advantage of, and unappreciated. They may judge others for not putting in equal efforts and take it personally when someone fails to meet their expectations.
In contrast, some people who worry about disappointing others might avoid taking on responsibilities for fear they might make a mistake. They can become chronic underachievers and freeze in the face of any decision making. The avoidance, driven by perfectionism and fear often creates a self fulfilling prophecy.
What causes FODO?
- Biology
Since humans are social creatures, we are hard-wired to want connection with others. FODO is a survival mechanism which keeps us safe from the pain of rejection.
- Past experiences
If a child were brought up to believe that receiving love was dependent upon meeting certain standards, that child may grow up to fear disappointing others. FODO may be a survival mechanism which keeps children in the good standings of their loved ones. Children quickly learn how to adapt in order to keep people in their social environment happy.
- Low self-esteem
People with low self esteem often rely on validation from others to feel good about themselves. They will try extra hard to make others proud to avoid feeling insecure about people not liking them.
- Self protection
By being overly accommodating, one can avoid conflict and possible retaliation if someone feels slighted. They will endure physical and emotional pain in order to protect themselves from making someone else upset.
What are the Symptoms of FODO
People who fear disappointing others can feel all the symptoms that accompany panic such as sweating, shaking, feeling faint, heart palpitations, fear losing control, nausea, etc.
They can also struggle with a lack of self compassion, loneliness and guilt. Sometimes, but not always, there is a feeling of resentment that others don’t accept or appreciate them the way they would expect given their sacrifices.
What is the treatment for FODO?
Once the underlying triggers behind the fear are identified and explored, a proper treatment plan can be formulated. Some of the strategies include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT), meditation, lifestyle changes, and possibly medication.
- CBT helps people reframe their thought process in order to reduce the feared reaction. It incorporates Exposure Therapy in order to encourage the person to face their fears while learning how to desensitize the nervous system.
- DBT strategies include building self esteem and confidence through assertiveness training. Using the DEARMAN technique, a person can create proper emotional boundaries.
- Meditation trains people to focus on breathing and relaxation which can promote a sense of balance and calm in the body and mind.
- Lifestyle changes can be made to alter maladaptive habits. By encouraging a balanced diet, exercise and sleep routine, the level of stress can be reduced and overall health improved.
- Medication can be administered by a doctor who is well versed in treating fears and anxieties.
Dr. Suzanne Feinstein, Director at Advanced Behavioral Health, LLP, is a Columbia University-trained Clinical Psychologist who works with people who struggle with fear of disappointing others. She also specializes in the treatment of phobias, panic disorder, social anxiety, OCD, body-focused repetitive behaviors and impulse control disorders. She is highly skilled in applying evidence-based techniques within a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy framework. She practices assertion training using DEARMAN techniques, Exposure Therapy and Response Prevention (ERP), cognitive reframing, mindfulness and relaxation training, DBT, ACT among other techniques. She has had great success helping her clients gain control over their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.